Distinctly Montana Magazine

22 D I S T I N C T LY M O N TA N A M A G A Z I N E • S U M M E R 2 0 2 5 tanks that I don't need. What am I going to do with them? Maybe fill them with whiskey and drown my sorrows. Or Myrtle herself. "Someday, Myrtle..." I mutter to myself while I have to lead her to the tank to drink, "someday I'm going to cover you in ketchup and sandwich you between two buns, I swear to God." Maybe you expect me to change my tune at the end. Maybe tell a little story about how it's all worth it when you watch them stand up for the first time, or when you make friends with one of the cows and they come up to get nose rubs or pets. Maybe you expect me to solemnly intone that the challenging but reward- ing act of animal husbandry makes it all worthwhile after all. Absolutely not. No. If I could change my career path over again, I think I would pick something else, like maybe a pho- tographer for Playboy, or a billionaire investor who does most of his work from a yacht. I might even keep on with being a ranch- er, if I could ranch something marginally less awful than cattle, like emus, ostriches, capybaras, alligators, guinea fowl, or snails. Hell, I'd rather have a ranch full of personal injury attorneys who charge by the hour than cattle. There are, however, two factors that give me at least some small satisfaction as a cattle rancher, that justify, in short, all of the toil. One is that, again, they really are tasty. I feel this must be stressed. Have you ever tried beef? It's good on tacos! The other is a little more theological. In the Good Book, Pharaoh had a troubling dream he couldn't interpret. He dreamed of seven fat, sleek cattle grazing among the reeds on the delta. He watched as seven sickly, skeletally thin cattle emerged from the Nile and, to his horror, ate his sev- en fatted cows up whole. Well, I'm not much of a prognosticator, but I do consider my- self the pharaoh of my little spread. If I had a dream, it might have been this: seven skeletal Myrtles eating one pleasantly portly old broke rancher. If God wants us to suffer, then it is good and meet that it is so. We all have our cross to bear, of course, so if His instrument of suffering is cattle in my case, then so be it. Suffer I will, and in so doing hopefully I will do my part to atone for Adam. But a couple of mornings ago, as I tried for the thousandth time to get poor, dumb Myrtle to drink out of a fountain de- signed specifically to accommodate her species, I had what you might call a small crisis of faith. She wouldn't drink. She demanded the tank, as ever. So I filled it up for her, muttering under my breath so the Lord wouldn't hear: "Dominion, my ass." car wash BlueCowMT.com exterior express HWY 93 at Commons Way Kalispell VOTE FOR US! VOTE FOR US! 2023-24 of B E ST M O N TA N A A S V O T E D B Y R E A D E R S O F Y E A R S WO N W I N N E R ! VOTE FOR US WIN $500 FOR YOUR CHANCE TO

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