Distinctly Montana Magazine

21 w w w. d i s t i n c t l y m o n t a n a . c o m I T SAYS IN THE GOOD BOOK that God gave us dominion over the animals. This may have come as a surprise to Adam. "Uh," he might have said to the Big Guy, "you mean that I have, uh, dominion over the lion over there? The cheetah? The, uh, gulp, grizzly bear? I'm that critter's boss?" Of course, once Adam and Eve ruined everything and were expelled from the Garden, well, things got even worse. They had to ranch, and that meant trying to exercise their laughably tenu- ous "dominion" over cattle, one of the most fiendishly obstinate, colossally stupid animals that He, in His infinite wisdom, ever created. Only humans can compete. Did He create the one to blight the other? Good thing they taste so good, something that we might never have found out if we had stayed in our state of grace over there in Eden. Because if they didn't, and they tasted as disgusting as, say, an Impossible Burger patty, then we as a species would surely have destroyed them long ago. Maybe cows aren't dumb. Maybe they're extraordinarily crafty at achieving their true goal: to make ranchers miserable. They might calve in the creek, or take down the fence just be- cause they know you'll have to mend it. These poop-producing Pac-Mans from Hell seem to take special joy in destroying fence lines; two bulls, skirmishing for fun, will stage their battle on ei- ther side of the fence. I've repaired over a quarter mile of fence due to bull bouts several times over my 30 years as a rancher. Cows are just as bad — they'll go visit the neighbor's bull so they can have the calf in January. They'll plop a patty right on your doorstep, or dent your one-ton 4x4 scratching their heads — or their butts. I've got one heifer named Myrtle who tops them all for her ability to weaponize sheer dopiness to aggravate me. She refus- es outright to drink out of the automatic waterer—you know, those so-called frost-free contraptions (invariably frosted up all winter) with the floating ball that opens the valve when animals drink? Every other cow in creation can figure it out, slurping down gallons in minutes. But Myrtle, who I helped usher into the world with my bare hands I might add, absolutely refuses. She will, however, stand six feet away and watch the whole herd water, sometimes two at a time. I tried in vain to show her how it works. I even, I'm not afraid to admit, got down on my hands and knees and, with a little "moo" for good measure, demonstrated it to her. She just stared at me, bovine mirth apparent on her broad face, while cow water dripped from mine onto the dirt. "See?" I shouted at her, almost frantic. "Ain't nothing to it! Just drink, Myrtle, you damn fool!" She wouldn't, though. I had to purchase a 1,000-gallon tank to stand next to the fountain, just for her, before she would drink. In point of fact, I first tried 100-gallon, then 250-gallon, then 500-gallon tanks. No, she would not drink — she would die of thirst first. Only the 1,000-gallon tank met her needs, and now I'm left with three extra 406.925.9059 www.beaverheadadventures.com 480 N. Montana St. Dillon, MT Daily service throughout EASTERN MONTANA Glendive Sidney Wolf Point Glasgow Havre Billings $ 39 each way from capeair.com | 800-CAPE-AIR 2025 o f BEST M O N TA N A A S V O T E D B Y R E A D E R S O F VOTE FOR US WIN $500 FOR YOUR CHANCE TO 207 S. MONTANA DUPUYER, MT 406.472.3399 LOOK FOR US ON FACEBOOK

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