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D I S T I N C T LY M O N TA N A M A G A Z I N E • S U M M E R 2 0 2 4
Now, these were a little more appealing looking. They kind
of looked like big shiny pills, or sleek tic-tac UFOs, except they
were a nice shade of pastel crimson like a faded red velour track-
suit. And they wiggled. Oh, how they wiggled when poked. And
they had a smell, a certain unmistakable uric tang even after
being soaked in Bulgarian buttermilk. Plugging my nose, I cut
them open, as instructed by a French chef whose YouTube video I
watched and tried to emulate. I should also mention that she was
speaking French, and that I don't speak it, much less understand
it. And that she could cook, and that I can't.
My idea was to chop the kidney up fine and add it to some ham-
burger and make tacos. And as I watched the little brown clumps
wiggle around in the pan, I started to feel like a real chef. The
sweetbreads, after all, had been pretty good. I was just beginning
to imagine I had uncovered a new skill, that this old dog had
learned a new trick, when I took a bite.
I wouldn't say it was bad, the brown glop which sat, quivering
as if afraid, in my taco shell. But I wouldn't recommend it over a
Pop Tart, which is what I ate three of while I spooned a consider-
able portion of taco filling into the dogs' bowls.
Maybe, I thought, I wasn't really very sophisticated after all. To
me, it tasted how cat food smells. The French lady on YouTube,
after all, had closed her eyes and said "mmmm" when she tried
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