Distinctly Montana Magazine

D I S T I N C T L Y M O N T A N A M A G A Z I N E • F A L L 2 0 2 2 56 pen to be on an extended family hike that you want to end sooner rather than later. Heck, even the bad parts of getting old have their upsides. Like the fact that having a bad memory means having no bad memories. Or here's another unexpected benefit—not being able to sleep at night means more free time for tossing and turning or contemplating the mortality, which is approach- ing, nay, bearing down on you. Do your loved ones keep asking you to fix things around the house even though you assure them that you'll get around to it every three or four months? Just deploy a mixture of feigned memory lapse and, if possible, earnest ineptitude, and they'll eventually learn not to ask you in the first place. In every way, simply, it allows you to manage people's ex- pectations of you. And thank goodness for that, because I was getting pretty worn out from having to be so capable and charming all the time. And that's when it hit me—all of those old folks were lying to me when I was a tender, impressionable child. They were having an absolute ball being septua- and octogenarians. When they pinched my cheek and said, "These are the best years of your life," they were, in actuality, not deluded as to childhood's inferiority in the face of old age's towering supe- riority at all. No, they were hiding the truth. Older is better. If kids were allowed to know that up front, it would result in general bedlam. Toddlers would toss their strollers over for walkers. Young boys would grab their dad's electric ra- zors and give themselves artificial bald spots like medieval abbots. Young ladies would dye their hair blue (I've been in- formed this may already be occurring) and start collecting Precious Moments figurines. As a result, whole industries would fail in the absence of the young money, as it were, that is their lifeblood; the pre-distressed jeans industry, the kombucha industry, and, yes, even the once-monolithic selfie-stick industry would all be brought right to the brink of utter collapse. Better, then, to keep quiet and, in the end, perpetuate the same myth that once oppressed me. When I see my kids come home from school beaten down, miserable, bent with the weight of childhood's many vexa- tions, I now relish the opportunity to plant a patronizingly nostalgic look on my face, smile, and say, "These are the best years of your lives, kids. Savor it." Sometimes I feel bad for lying. But I console myself by imagining their bliss once they get to be as old as me. Stars & Stripes by Marilynn Dwyer Mason She is one of the most popular artists in Montana. Available at www.distinctlymontanagifts.com H H

• Cover