Distinctly Montana Magazine

w w w . d i s t i n c t l y m o n t a n a . c o m 55 But here's the kicker, the thing I really didn't expect at all: being old, turns out, is the best time of my life so far, and I can only assume that the older I get, the better life will be. Here are just a few reasons why being old isn't so bad after all. For one thing, everyone leaves you alone, which is nice. You see, when I was young, I was so over-the-top good-look- ing that the opposite sex pretty much never left me alone. The better-looking I got, the more I came to envy the Ele- phant Man because he got to wear a bag over his head. Then, just about the time that I got married for the last time, I discovered that the overcharged handsomeness that had so vexed me for decades disappeared with an almost au- dible bubble-popping noise. The other side of losing my looks is that there are fewer cowboys who want to fight me. I don't know whether they found my dashing and strikingly prepossessing good looks threatening or alluring or if they were just mad at the fact their wives and girlfriends were waving 'toodiloo' at me from across the bar, but I got tired of fending them off, too. The first best thing about being old is that everyone leaves you alone. But that's not all—there are other advantages too. For instance, people are a lot more likely to approach your acts of modest shoplifting with Christian charity if you're old. "What, this DeWalt hedge trimmer? Oh, I've had it for years," you can say while you take one out of the box right there in the store. "At least I think I have... say, where am I? Are you my nephew? Did you say you want to buy my hedge trimmer?" "Okay there, old timer," they say, "everything's going to be all right," and then they usher me out of the store with all the gentle tenderness of a Florence Nightingale, or at least a Florence Henderson. Likewise, weaponized narcolepsy can prove a useful tool in cases of boredom and social awkwardness. Almost any- time my wife or sons say something like "We have to talk," I have merely to collapse into my soup or crumble in a heap on the floor of the living room, begin snoring gently, and my family will leave me alone, often for the rest of the day, the issue forgotten or deferred until next time. When things get really dire I can always clutch my chest and goggle my eyes. This can be especially useful if you hap- THE BETTER-LOOKING I GOT, THE MORE I CAME TO ENVY THE ELEPHANT MAN BECAUSE HE GOT TO WEAR A BAG OVER HIS HEAD. 7 M I N E R A L P O O L S T A P R O O M & G R I L L P O O L S I D E S E R V I C E B R O A D W A T E R M T . C O M

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