Distinctly Montana Magazine

w w w . d i s t i n c t l y m o n t a n a . c o m 61 Then my wife and kids realized something was wrong. Their chewing slowed; they frowned, picked up their burg- ers for a closer inspection, and looked at me questioningly. I burst out laughing, wagging my finger in all of their faces. Ha! You just ate a soy burger! Good joke, right? After a brief scuffle, my family had succeeded in subdu- ing me and procuring from the fridge some real hamburger, which they set about consuming having neither cooked nor masticated it. They then left the dining room in a huff, scatter- ing to their different corners of the house. I think I heard one of them, whether wife or offspring, I can't be sure, mumbling epithets in reference to my person. I pretended not to hear. That left me and Taco, our loyal mutt. Though I'd been abandoned by the rest of my loved ones, he had stuck around. I found his devotion heartbreakingly earnest, so I decided to abuse his trust too. I grilled up another Impossi- ble patty for him, cooking it just the way he likes his burgers: hot, with a slice of cheese and a big splash of Rolling Rock in his water dish. Taco looked down at the contents of his dish, his head tilted questioningly until he appeared to shrug and say, 'Ah, what the hell, let's eat it, whatever it is.' With that, Taco licked his lips and looked up at me, wondering if there was more. So this is the second compliment I will give the Im- possible Burger: Taco didn't appear to know the difference, but that's coming from a dog whose favorite treat in the world is a toss-up between the cat's poop and his own butt. Now there was one patty left, and I knew that it was my turn. I wanted to give the burger a fair shake, so I opened up a Rolling Rock of my own, poured it and, while savoring it, tried to imagine that I was a member of the Donner Party when it was real bad but not yet eat-your-buddy bad. Thus appetized, I prepared it with a slice of Tillamook cheddar, a stripe each of ketchup and yellow mustard, a couple of pickle chips, and a slice of onion. Sniffing it, I had to admit it wasn't malodorous or anything. I took a bite. Chewed it slowly, though that is antithetical to the Shelton Method. Took another bite. Now, I'm not saying that it was as good as beef. But, and I hate to admit this, I did think it was a pretty good fast-food burger. If I had bought it at Burger King (I understand they do have an Impossible Whopper) and ate it, hungry, on the road, I'm not sure that I would have noticed that it wasn't real meat. Does it compare to a home-cooked burger made of the sirloin of one of my own cows? Hell no. But that's like comparing cat food to goose liver pâté— they might look the same, even have a similar texture and consistency, but there is a great gulf between them. At least I think so, because while cat food is only an occasional indul- gence, I ain't never tried no goose liver pâté. Look, I get that there are vegetarians in the world, and I say more power to them while respectfully declining to join their numbers for various reasons. I make my money ranch- ing, but I also recognize that it takes all kinds to make up a world. For a vegetarian or even someone who can't eat red meat for medical reasons and might be nostalgic for a burger, the Impossible Burger is pretty darn close. I certainly wouldn't want to take that away from anyone. V Trail open May 27–September 18 | Reserve your seat at RideTheHiawatha.com | 208.744.1234 | I-90 Exit 0 at the ID/MT line. 7 SK Y-HIGH TRESTLES. 10 A M A ZING TUNNEL S. 15 DOWNHILL MILES. 1 A M A ZING STORY TO TELL . LOVED BY USA TODAY, THE R AILS TO TR AILS CONSERVANC Y, MOTHER NAT URE , AND E VERYONE WHO RIDES IT. PEDAL 15 MILES DOWNHILL. SHUTTLE BACK. CHECK "MOS T A M A ZING RIDE" OFF YOUR BUCK E T LIS T. 3 ULTIMATE ADVENTURE ROUTE TO THE RIDE THE HIAWATHA TR AIL I TOOK A BITE. CHEWED IT SLOWLY, THOUGH THAT IS ANTITHETICAL TO THE SHELTON METHOD. TOOK ANOTHER BITE. NOW, I'M NOT SAYING THAT IT WAS AS GOOD AS BEEF. BUT, AND I HATE TO ADMIT THIS, I DID THINK IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD FAST-FOOD BURGER. CONTINUED

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