Distinctly Montana Magazine

D I S T I N C T L Y M O N T A N A M A G A Z I N E • S P R I N G 2 0 2 2 60 success of beef made out of beef. If anything, I'd like to see it go the other way around. Meat-based plants? Now that I could get behind. So sure, I'm a redneck. Red as a nice, marbled ribeye. Maybe you think I'm just particular. Well, I'm not, at least when it comes to meats. I've never met an animal yet whose flesh isn't rendered at least palatable by a liberal splash of A1 sauce. And when it comes to vegetables, I'm down with them as well, whether french fried, scalloped, baked, or even sometimes twice baked. However. Let's just get it out of the way that, among rednecks, I'm what you might call a bona fide sophisticate, not to men- tion famously open-minded. So when the staff of Distinctly Montana asked me to try Impossible Burger and report my findings, I swallowed my disgust and agreed to do so under the condition that they'd cover my expenses. I can't have Im- possible Burger on my credit card bill. Imagine if someone rooted through my trash and found that? No, thank you. So I donned my longest coat and my darkest sunglasses to buy a package of the stuff from the Walmart in Havre. As I dropped it into my shopping cart, even the noise it made as it landed was somehow suspect. Still, after I had opened it up, I had to admit that it bore an uncanny re- semblance to meat, pink and juicy. Lat- er, at home, I noted that it sizzled when it hit the pan, but then, most things do. Always the merry prankster, I prepared the burgers for my wife and sons without telling them. There are those of you who will think this is some kind of betrayal of their trust. To them, I say: I agree. As a sort of self-styled survival- ist, I have trained my family in what I call the Shelton Method of eating. While the received wisdom is to take small bites and chew them thoroughly, I have impressed upon them that anything could happen at any minute. A bear might burst in and eat everything around. The house might burn down. An asteroid may strike the earth, and vaporize us. Yellowstone might erupt and send us into orbit. So it's better, and safer, to take great big bites, chew them perfunctori- ly, swallow it impatiently, and repeat until the food is gone or you are dead because you never know if it'll be your last bite. Keeping the Shelton Method in mind, I have to ad- mit that it took them each three or four bites to re- alize that they weren't eating beef. This is probably the highest praise I can afford the Impossible Burg- er: if eaten quickly, while hot, with one eye closed, it's like beef. More like beef than, say, a pencil eraser. More like beef than, just for one random example, a kitchen sponge. Definitely. I EKE OUT A MEAGER LIVING RAISING CATTLE. I HAVE AN INVESTMENT IN THE CONTINUED SUCCESS OF BEEF MADE OUT OF BEEF. IF ANYTHING, I'D LIKE TO SEE IT GO THE OTHER WAY AROUND. MEAT-BASED PLANTS? NOW THAT I COULD GET BEHIND.

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