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w w w . d i s t i n c t l y m o n t a n a . c o m
So when I think about what it would actually take to make
a sports fan of me, I have to think about what I'm loyal to.
I mean loyal the same way that some guy in Philly spends
his whole life from the cradle to the grave wearing Phillies
jerseys, going to Phillies bars, riding around in vehicles be-
decked in Phillies stickers. What makes me feel that way?
Only one thing.
What if Montana had a professional sports team? Well, then
I'd be obligated to be a fan. But let's think even bigger. Let's
not go with any of those boring, quotidian sports that every-
one else plays. Let's invent our own. There's precedent, af-
ter all—basketball was only invented in 1891 when someone
had the bright idea of throwing a ball in a basket. Well, I can
do that too. What if you throw a ball in a bucket? Or even a
pail? Or even, uh, or even, um, some sort of hamper or bin?
Or we could head farther afield, maybe to something that
Montanans are particularly good at so that we start with
an advantage. In not-too-many decades past, nearly every
Montanan was an expert at the thirty-yard sprint, a track
and field event in which the participant, in variable stage of
dress, sometimes with that little butt flap on your pajamas
SOME TOURIST
GOES TO YELLOWSTONE
AND SEES HOW FAST HE CAN
GET HIMSELF GORED. IT'S DANGEROUS,
SURE, BUT IS IT THAT MUCH
WORSE THAN SOCCER?
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