Distinctly Montana Magazine

31 w w w. d i s t i n c t l y m o n t a n a . c o m Can you imagine a Californian getting out a laser scalpel and removing the sex organs of a cow? Of course not! If you tell me a Californian tried to pet or ride a bison, I'd say, "Yep, that sounds about right." If you tell me a Californian drained the blood of a steer, cut out its udder, and then spirited away into the night without a sound, I'd be skeptical, to say the least. But if you tell me an alien did it, I'd nod knowingly and say, "I knew it, those little green bas- tards." Hell, at least a Californian's the same species as us, beholden to the same carbon-based bodies and accompanying human needs, like eating, sleeping, and consuming fluids, that we have. They can reliably be counted on to spend $8 for a latte and $400 on a hotel room. Theoretically, at least some of that money reaches a Montanan now and then. But with aliens we have none of the same assurances. Some leaked documents, purported to be real, say that the recovered bodies don't have identifiable ways to eliminate material waste. No apertures at all, ahem, down there. Now, say what you will about 99.9% of Californians, but at least they poop! Which goes a long way toward my being able to understand their point of view. I think that the fact that both myself and a California man spend our morning constitutionals atop the por- celain office chair means that he is my brother. Whatever differ- ences we might have in politics, lifestyle, or basic intelligence are, at that moment, surmountable. The list of reasons Californians are better than aliens goes on. Teslas are annoying, but at least they don't zip through the sky and jam our radars. And none of them have ever shut down, how- ever briefly, our nuclear capabilities, as one UFO famously did in the skies above Malmstrom AFB in 1967. Californians might be accidentally contributing to skyrocketing property taxes, but they've certainly never rocketed my property into the sky. As Rep. Tim Burchett of Tennessee said in an interview, "They [the aliens] could turn us into a charcoal briquette." In short, if you think the Californians are bad, just wait until the parks are overrun with Non-Human Intelligence. You might just long for the day it was just patchouli-scented Golden Staters invading and not a sinister army of diminutive, technologically advanced monsters with big eyes, long tapered fingers, and no you-know-whats. VOTED IN THE TOP 3 PLACES IN MONTANA TO Host a Kids Birthday Party! 159 Homestake Drive Bozeman, Montana 406-586-3473 jumptimebozeman.com JUMP INTO FUN WITH JUMPTIME BOZEMAN! V O T E D Best Compounding Pharmacy in Montana W e're a locally-owned pharmacy dedicated to the well-being of you and your family. Our specialty is providing out- standing compounded medications. Choose us to experience the level of service that the big chains can't offer. www.rmpharmacy.com 406.587.4332 25 N. Willson Ave. Suite C Bozeman Watch for our move to a new space on North 19th Ave. coming in October! B E S T O F M O N TA N A B M D I S TI N C T L Y M O N T A N A ' S 2023 FOR YEARS, IT SEEMED AS IF THE KINDS OF PEOPLE WHO SAW UFOS WERE GAP-TOOTHED, RED-NECKED HILLBILLIES—PEOPLE, IN SHORT, JUST LIKE ME.

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