Distinctly Montana Magazine

D I S T I N C T LY M O N TA N A M A G A Z I N E • S P R I N G 2 0 2 3 64 "This man is named Horace, and he owns a velvet factory named National Velvet. He's the most important velvet making business man in the world, and he has a big mansion, and a big car. But..." I paused while I tried to think of an inciting incident for my exciting story, which was already better than most novels as far as I was concerned. Mrs. Harvey nodded, absorbed. "...but he got in an accident and lost his, uh, leg. And after that, he gets a letter from a long lost uncle in Romania that tells him that he's inherited a cas- tle. In Scotland. But the uncle is in Romania. So Horace gets a fake leg and goes to Scotland. His last name is Velvet, too. I forgot to say that earli- er. So Horace Velvet is in Scotland and he is living in this castle, uh, without his family, because he was tired of them so he left them behind. But then it turns out the castle is haunted." Mrs. Harvey nodded, obviously transported. "By the ghost of his brother, Horace's brother I mean, who was named Pete. Pete had died when he was shot down in a zeppelin while on a secret mission for the Pope, who was trying to recov- er some secret documents from a group of Zulu warriors, and now he spends his days trying to find his, uh, head again." "My goodness," is all Mrs. Harvey said. "So Horace agrees to help him find the head, only it was stolen by the Zulu Warriors, and it turns out the Pope's behind it all. In the end, Horace rediscovers how much he loves making velvet for America, so he goes back to his company, Na- tional Velvet, which is why the novel is called that." For a moment, the room was quiet. The faces of my classmates were wide-eyed. "Wonderful. I just have one question." "Shoot," I said, overconfident. "Who's the author of National Velvet?" I was getting cocky now, knowing that all I had to do was say the first name that popped into my head and I'd get off scot-free. "Corky Philburn," I answered, proud of the impromptu moniker, which to me sounded impossibly cosmopolitan. Mrs. Harvey looked at me for a long time while the class was silent. "Actually," I said, "it was, um, a man named Petey, uh, Garber... man...smith." Her facade finally cracked at this, and she allowed herself a chuckle. Then she allowed herself a good long laugh her ass off guffaw. Some of the class also luxuriated in a hearty chortle. When the ha-has had subsided, Mrs. Harvey made a note in her grade book. "I suggest you read the book sometime, Gary, you might find you like it. In the meantime, I'm afraid I have to give you an F." "Yes, Mrs. Harvey," I said, slinking back into my seat. To this day, I've never read National Velvet, but I did see the movie only to find it was just one of those girl-and-her- horse stories, with no papist plots or ghosts. It wasn't even really about national velvet, that was just the name of the girl, or the horse, I forget which. I hate to say it, but I still think my version is better. I'd say I deserved at least a D for originality. VOTE FOR US WIN $ 500! FOR YOUR CHANCE TO B E S T O F M O N TA N A B M D I S TI N C T L Y M O N T A N A ' S 2023 WHITEWATER RAFTING AND OUTDOOR ADVENTURES At Yellowstone National Park's Northern Entrance (406) 848-1600 www.paradiserafting.com 212 W PARK ST, GARDINER, MONTANA Yellowstone Horseback Riding Cowboy Cookouts River Kayaking

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