Distinctly Montana Magazine

D I S T I N C T L Y M O N T A N A M A G A Z I N E • S U M M E R 2 0 2 2 44 So I dumped the rocks out of the canoe, returned it to the shed where it will probably never see the light of day again, and went back inside to finish my beer. The next component of the Lewis and Clark diet, and the one that I am perhaps least excited to adopt long-term, is also almost certainly the most effective: constant dysentery. As the inventor of the Lewis and Clark diet, I would en- courage you to court dysentery in your own way, getting as close as you are comfortable to actually going out and getting it the old-fashioned way by, I don't know, drinking moose pee out of a puddle or whatever. As for me, I felt okay with approximating the effects of dys- entery by having a glass of milk without taking my Lactaid pills. Soon, I had developed the intestinal distress, dehydra- tion, and malaise associated with that the disease. I passed the rest of the afternoon on the couch watching an old VHS tape of Missing In Action 2: The Beginning and trying to moan loud enough for my son to hear from the other room and feel bad. If this is inauthentic to the Lewis and Clark experience, then I beg your pardon but I think that some concessions might be made to historical accuracy. That's why I had two or three beers throughout the movie to settle my stomach. The final part of the Lewis and Clark diet, copyright pending, is a strict adherence to mostly only eating hardtack biscuits. This hideous, taste- less, tooth-shattering treat can be made by combining water, flour, and salt and baking until it becomes a solid brick. It's an uncomplicated source of calories in a survival situation, and can also double as a very formidable weapon if inserted into a sock and swung around your head. I don't actually have any hardtack biscuits, so I substituted Ritz crackers and ate about a sleeve and a half of them while watching Braddock: Missing In Action 3 and trying not to feel my sore back. In the end, it was only my first day of the Lewis and Clark diet and I already felt different, if not exactly healthier. I think one day was probably enough for me. Even so, I'm certain that if you really apply yourself to the Lewis and Clark diet—eating mostly stale crackers soaked in bear grease, hauling keelboats, being ill all the time—you too will become perilously thin. The only problem is that you might, like Lewis, be tempted to end it all before long, and I don't want to give Dr. Pisberg that satisfaction just yet. B E S T O F M O N TA N A B M D I S T I N C T L Y M O N T A N A ' S 2 0 2 2 TO WIN $ 500CASH! VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE MONTANA BUSINESS www.distinctlymontana.com/bom2022 CONGRATULATIONS TO Zachary C. from Hamilton, MT for winning the $500 cash prize in our nomination phase. VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE BUSINESS TODAY FOR YOUR CHANCE TO WIN $500!

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