Distinctly Montana Magazine

w w w . d i s t i n c t l y m o n t a n a . c o m 33 or take regular baths. Not only that, they may make you dance." "Only if they shoot my feet," I said, and anyway, three out of four ain't bad. I enrolled immediately. A lot of sludge has gone over the bridge since, but I am still searching for my ideal hat. I have a pickup load or more of them, but none of them is me. Certainly not the Ernest Hemingway deep sea model with the 18-inch bill. Not the miracle-fiber camouflage lobster fisherman's rain hat. Not the French stocking cap with the long tassel. Not the war surplus Radar O'Reilly wool cap. Not the dashing woven wool Peruvian hat with the llama caravan going round and round the crown. Not the Vietnam crusher hat with the shotgun shells in the elastic band. Not the red felt logger hat. Not the Indiana Jones hat. Not the slouch hat that is said to replicate the only official uniform item adopted by the Confederate Army. Not even the all-wool $4.95 one size fits nobody Navy watchcap. I did not buy any of these coverings. They were all given to me by people who wanted to make fun of me or thought I needed them. I don't own any gimme caps, those so-called baseball caps with advertising slogans or names written on them. The original one said "Cat," meaning Caterpillar. They call them gimme caps because of how they are sold. The strategy is to display these caps in stores where he-man goods are sold: shotgun shells, tractor tires, iron coffee pots. Guys come in to buy the goods, see the caps with their favorite brand names and say, "Gimme one of them caps." I will not use either the inside or the outside of my head for advertising. I recently decided I might need a felt cowboy hat and went to the store to look over the possibilities, including models called the "Range Boss," "Buckaroo," and "Viper." I wondered if I had what it took to wear a hat like that. The saleslady had the kindest, sweetest face you could imagine. She was like a doting grandmother beaming at me as though she knew I was a good boy, no matter what everybody else thought. I asked her, "Do you think I need a cowboy hat?" She smiled with surpassing warmth and said, "If you ain't got a cowboy hat, you ain't ****." She was still smiling. I concluded that she could only say such a shocking thing because she had no idea what it meant. She was like an innocent schoolgirl who unknowingly has been taught filthy words in French by some low-life. She explained that some college student had come in to buy a Range Boss, and when she asked him why he needed it he said, "If you ain't got a cowboy hat, you ain't ****." He had finished school, and was on his way back to Woonsocket, Rhode Island, where he lived. He was going to wear his "Range Boss" around there and when people asked him why, he was going to tell them, "In Montana, if you ain't got a cowboy hat, you ain't ****." I didn't buy one. Y ou think of Black Timber Furniture when needing a dining table or bedroom furnishings. We also build specialty pieces to suit your lifestyle. Check out our website or stop in to see our barn doors and vanity cabinet displays. Let's talk about your project! 40 Spanish Peak Drive Four Corners Bozeman 406.587.8200 blacktimberfurniture.com Let us be your design solution! for You by Us! Built

• Cover