Distinctly Montana Magazine

D I S T I N C T L Y M O N T A N A M A G A Z I N E • F A L L 2 0 2 0 64 T HERE ARE PLENTY OF WAYS TO LIVE IN MONTANA, AND LOTS OF GOOD REASONS TO DO SO. But this article isn't about that. If you're the adventurous type, then vaya con dios, fellow traveler. But if, like me, you are a coward instead—and I'm a genuine quakebreech, a bona fide inverte- brate—then you might want to take a moment and consider how, in addition to all those ways to live, there are just about as many ways to die in Montana. by JOSEPH SHELTON Some aren't so bad. They say freezing to death can be quite pleas- ant once delirium starts to set in. That is, pleasant enough at least when stacked up against nastier alternatives. We're talking the real doozies. And since Montanans need little impetus to brag about the peculiarities of our state, the editorial staff of Distinctly Montana have prepared a very short list of the absolute worst ways to die here. Rest assured that we have pursued every veracity in the re- search short of trying them out ourselves, and such is the devotion of our writers that their reluctance to do so is founded solely in their wishing to continue working at the magazine for years to come. People are killed by animals all over this great coun- try, but if you want to have holes punched in you by a majestic symbol of national pride and strength, well, then your choices are more limited. But Mon- tana has you covered, because every so often some North American bison, ordinarily the image of placidity and stoicism, will, perhaps acting out a long-deferred revenge for nearly being scoured from the earth in the late 19th century, toss a tourist or two a dozen feet into the air. Or jam one or even two of their horns in between the ribs of someone trying to get a good photograph. Now, if you get to have all 440 pounds of enraged mama grizzly bearing down on you, you're really going to experience the Cadillac of wild animal attacks available to you on the continent. Again, we readily concede that there are plenty of fatal animal encounters every year and in every state of the union. But the sheer variety of potentially hostile biomass that could theoretically kill you in Montana is unrivaled in the contiguous United States. Let California keep their infected coyote bites—in Montana we are killed by prehistor- ic behemoths. Of course, should you wish to avoid that eventuality, there is one precaution you could take that will dramatically reduce your risk of confrontation with wild animals: stay indoors! A COWARD'S GUIDE TO THE 1 TORN TO SHREDS BY A GRIZZLY BEAR! HONORABLE MENTION: GORED BY A BUFFALO.

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